The (Un)importance Of Being Ernesto

(radar.weather.gov, 11:38pm)

Such pretty colors. I like colors.

I like sleep, too, but somehow even when i'm leaving at six-thirty every morning and getting home at night well after a decent bedtime, i can't bring myself to go straight to sleep. Not yet, anyway. Another few weeks of this, and i'm sure that will change.

In the meantime, there's Tropical Storm Ernesto for entertainment. Tonight was supposed to be a night flight, with a few touch-and-gos at Jax International and Fernandina Beach for good measure. While my instructor debated over the radar, i called the FSS to get their best updated weather info. It really didn't look all that bad. We dithered awhile, were on the edge of going up, and finally ended up starting some ground stuff instead.

I think it was halfway through the second chapter when the lightning began. Five minutes later when the rain was dumping down so hard we couldn't even see the parking lot, we looked at each other and agreed that we had made a fine and wonderfully insightful decision. So much for the night flight. But we plowed through a lot of ground school, at least, and planned next week's cross-country up to Brunswick. By the time i made it home through the monsoon, it was after eleven again. So much for catching up on calling some dear friends, again. At least i can trust they'll understand, again. They've had a lot of practice.

Quick-Reference Apartment Finder Guide: August Edition

(image: nhc.noaa.gov)

I hadn't been focusing my hurricane-attracting powers very much lately, and i thought it was time to get around to starting for the season. Besides, someone else asked me the other day where we were living now, and it's just easier to show it on a map, you know? And NOAA makes such nice pretty green and blue ones. So anyway, here's a newer version, and we made sure they got the dotted line crossing right over our apartment again, just like before. See? Handy!

File Under: No Place Like Home

It's Not Just For Breakfast Anymore.

New Orleans? Ha. Twenty-fourth.

Las Vegas? Number fourteen. Not even close.

Austin? Nooo. Despite the best efforts (and notable recent successes) of its most diligent student body, the city in general is barely scraping by in fifth.

No, my friends, the number-one hardest-drinking city in the U. S. of A? Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

I'm so proud.

And i was just there, too. Though i wasn't contributing much to the average. Well, except maybe for the day on our way up to Door County when my parents' van broke down in that winery parking lot in the middle of nowhere and we were completely stranded with nothing to eat but turkey sandwiches and potato chips and Oreos and nowhere to go but the free wine tasting counter upstairs, and the Triple-A guy didn't show up for, like, four hours. It was awful. But other than that, though, i mean, not much.

The vacation wasn't bad, either. Everyone made it into town in some reasonable approximation of sanity, and everyone managed to maintain that level just (little) enough for thorough enjoyment. The nephew count is holding at two for the moment, and they enjoyed themselves too. All in all, a fine trip to Wisconsin. (New state motto: Come Up North! We're Not As Think As You Drunk We Are!) A fine trip to a brandy state. I mean dandy. I mean... Never mind.

Several Thoughts Upon Discovering Crest Whitestrips

(image: whitestrips.com)

1. Much better than the White Stripes. Just to clarify.

2. Not bad at all, at four days and counting. Where have you been all my life?

3. Wait, so, those really were steel dust stains from working on the ship?

4. A year and a half ago?

5. And they came off this fast?

6. Does this mean i still need to brush?

7. Now that i think of it, when was the last time i saw a dentist?

8.

9. I think it was in Belize.

10.

11. It may have been Honduras.

12.

13. Hmm.

Consolation: The World Could Still End Next Week

Forget August 9. So last week. And hopelessly Judeo-Christian, by the way. Actually, August 22 will be the correct date, says the president of Iran.

Well, at least someone out there is paying attention to moving these things along. Didn't feel like paying next month's rent anyway.

Hey, anyone wanna buy a futon?

Just checking.

Updated News: World Did Not End Last Week

Hmm.

Well. In other news, it has been reported that the person responsible for this space once actually worked for the publisher of the original Left Behind series, and did in fact proofread books seven and eight, in addition to being the copy editor responsible for several in the series of smaller monstrosities known as Left Behind for Kids. This person otherwise quite enjoyed his former job, but on this topic, he is not available for comment.

p.s.: The World May End Tomorrow

Beginning with some sort of large explosion in Jerusalem. Or at least, so say Michael Drosnin and Paul Meier, among a scattered few (sadly, somewhat less reputable) others.

Not sure where Tim LaHaye stands on this. If i remember correctly, i think the Rapture was supposed to happen around 2003. Maybe i'll have to go reread Left Behind 24: The Final Almost But Still Not Quite End Of Armageddeon. It's always good to know at least what not to believe.

Although it does make ya wonder about this.

Hide the canned tomatoes, Bertha! I'll get the shotgun!

You heard it here first.

Humans 246976, Dolphins 1

Here in Florida, we take our aquatic-creature attacks very seriously. I mean, let's face it - between the sharks and the alligators, our backs are pretty much against the wall. You go through life from one day to the next never knowing when you're going to get it.

Although i've also seen roaches here that could take on one of those alligators any day. I'm not sure about the sharks.

Actually, that's a killer idea. How cool would that be? Alligator versus giant cockroach. The shark could fight the winner. Best cage match EVER. Hmm....do roaches actually bite or anything? Maybe it could just kind of crush its opponents to death or something. You'd have to have half of the cage underwater, too, to give the shark a decent chance. They could have it over at the Plush Leopard, right after Patron Fight Night on Fridays.*

But i digress.

*(see under Special Events)

In any case, it looks like the dolphins are finally getting on the scoreboard.

Can't blame them, either. What would you do? If you were highly intelligent but could communicate only through a series of squeaks and whistles, and these two-legged land animals kept you penned up and fed you raw fish and let their six-year-olds poke you in the eye all day? Really, it's enough to push any sane, peace-loving marine mammal over the edge.

Fortunately, it seems to have been an isolated incident.

But wait! Or was it?

Snopes, the authoritative debunker of urban legends, thinks there are "probably not" trained killer dolphins (see above link) actually loose in the Gulf of Mexico at this moment. But they don't rule it out.

I rest my case.

The Horror! The Horror!

(image: weather.com)

There's a war in the Middle East, untold thousands are dying in Darfur, and genocidal idiot dictators everywhere are building atomic bombs. But stop the presses! Today's top headline: Deadly Heat Wave Moves East Across United States!

Sorry, my mistake. I thought it always got hot in July. You know, July. Comes every year between June and August?

I notice no one is running around interviewing anyone down here in Florida. Yeah, it's called SUMMER.

Pansies.