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BREAKING NEWS

Millions Stranded Without Power Or Government Services In Four-State Deadly Storm Disaster, And Yet Somehow Nobody Starts Looting, Rioting, Raping, Or Shooting At Each Other

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Rumor had it people were actually caring for their neighbors and taking needy strangers into their homes. Unlikely as it may seem to readers on the more civilized East and West Coasts, this was confirmed by news stories midday Wednesday. For some reason, National Guard troops delivering assistance to the area were also not shot at by the people they were attempting to help.

In addition, when interviewed, midwestern residents seemed strangely unwilling to blame the seasonal storm on the federal government. Possible explanations for such behavior, if any, remain unclear.